About 4 years ago, the hubby and I were about to close on our first home. I still wonder if we made the right decision, especially in light of the current financial crisis. Had I had it to do over again, I don't know what decision I would make now. Back then, I was really wrapped up in doing exactly what my parents liked, and never being open about my own personal feelings. I really wish we had at least looked at some townhomes and met with a realtor to discuss the blue house my dad made fun of. We might have been in a much better position.
Or perhaps a worse position. Little changes like where we live, who we meet, etc, could have had wonderful or disasterous consequences on us, our relationship, etc. Our path is set up to now, and no amount of regret or curiosity can change that. Why do we look so much to regret the past and wonder what ifs, when doing that robs us of our present? I don't want to live in a doublewide for the rest of my life, no, but does it really matter? Am I a different person living here than if I was in the blue house? Yes, certainly, living here has made me feel uncomfortable doing things that could get me ahead like inviting clients/bosses to dinner and all that - but wouldn't there be just other obstacle in the way that I don't know of yet had we made another decision? Crackhead neighbors? Rotting floorboards that could also keep us from entertaining? Couldn't I, if I'd really wanted to, invited the bosses for a cookout or activity based gathering? Creativity should allow me to get ahead, no matter what the circumstances.
4 years ago, also, we were finishing up wedding plans. What a stressful, horrible time. I was so afraid of everything! Showing emotion in front of family, finding a job, afraid that if the fiance and I spent any major time apart that something horrible would happen and we'd never see each other again. I was even afraid to call wedding vendors, for some silly reason. We still regret not getting married on our anniversary, I still regret not slimming down and finding a wedding dress that I loved, the family and friends went crazy, and it's kinda odd that since now we have many more friends and much more support that we didn't even know then our guest list now would be drastically different. In some ways the timing of the whole thing was so wrong. I really should have made myself finish my degree, and encouraged the fiance to attend perhaps toastmasters or some other organizations to get more capable and confident. Common wisdom would have said that I should have waited until he had proven himself able to hold a job or make our business even slightly successful, waited until he could have held up his end of the bargain. How different our wedding would have been. Perhaps at that park we used to love? Historic mansion draped in lilies, lily of the valley, and such. Much more indie yet vintage perfect dress, veil with flowers. No yucky bm! Have a simple cake and hor d'ourve reception, spend the most money on a fantastic photographer and a great honeymoon. Yeah, that's what "should" have happened.
But this is what did happen. Two people who love each other madly in spite of major baggage and issues, who desperately needed to move away and start their own life, got married almost 4 years ago in the best greatest attempt to not only find their own style but also to appease stressed and demanding family members. Perhaps the bride was a bit fatter than she'd hoped, and perhaps the vision of the couple had been watered down and derailed by too many choices and ideas. Perhaps the vision had been somewhat dulled also by the demands of family, and the couple's desire to accommodate the friends and family. Maybe also the couple didn't know what they were doing as much as they'd hoped they were on the right track. The timing was off, the occasion stressful and not the romantic scene long hoped for. Important milestones weren't treasured and secured - sometimes by family obsinancy or ignorance, sometimes by friend's selfishness, more often by the couple's and especially my own fear of being nakedly honest about how much I really really, honestly and truly, (yes it surprised me most of all) wanted a romantic wedding with all the trimmings in a oh-so-not cynically modern kind of way. That is so very embarrassing for someone who has found refuge and strength in acting the part of a streetwise tough cynical bitch. I actually idolized that hackneyed 'vision in white', I felt like someone like myself, a fat, lazy, unsuccessful, taller-than-her-man hulk of a woman with no friends to be her maid of honor/give her a bachelorette party who often had to hide her opinions on life and religion from family couldn't be that paragon of a blushing bride. I, who really wanted to move in with FH and THEN plan a wedding as shocking as that might sound to older relatives who still preach the "no sex before legal marriage" thing regardless of how married to each other spiritually you might be. I wanted to do this on my own terms, I wanted to finally be able to breathe free and be me... and perhaps instead of openly rebelling against family by the usual tattoos and piercings, or by insisting on my own preferred path of cohabitation; I channeled that rebellious energy to the innocent bystander that was able to stand for what both sets of people wanted. The wedding, and perhaps the marriage?
Perhaps I was so bent on trying to downplay the wedding that I simultaneously desparately wanted and desparately fought against, I kind of steered myself into a kind of idylic worship of what "could have been" and a deep loathing and guilt for what was. Instead of recognizing what the wedding really was, and enjoying it for what blessings it gave and accepting what lessons it gave, I kept trying to somehow make it be what it wasn't. It wasn't my romantic ideal, it wasn't my coup de grace of elegance, it wasn't the "best day of my life". It can't be, and it won't be. There are no time machines, no magic wands, no way to hypnotize myself into making it what it should be. No matter how long I cry, no matter how long I stay depressed, no matter how long I try to atone for it. What it was was a product of its time. So much has changed since then.
In pagan circles, one of the annoying pat answers to any trial is "so what have we learned from this?" It's annoying because it is often said in a kind of supercillous tone, and of course, many times we DON'T want to discuss what we might have learned because we all like to pretend we don't need to learn anything - especially from a situation where we feel like we're in the right and "innocent". But unless we do learn, the situation or trial will persist. Perhaps in a real kind of way where we keep doing the same thing, perhaps in a more cosmically karmic type of way. Perhaps just in the cobwebby back corners of our mind where the situation will nag and haunt at us until we finally have to pull it out in the naked light of reason and rationally discover what we should learn from. It's okay and even right to have regrets for intentions and actions. It's not okay to regret the past. It is and was there for a reason - not a "God's testing you kind of way" necessarily, but in a "that's the best you could do with what you had at the time" kind of reason. It all works to the same purpose though. I can honestly say I tried to do the best I could do at that time, even when I royally messed up. It's a really difficult time in anyone's life, that whole learning to be your own person in a communal world thing. Learning when you need to keep your mouth shut, when you should keep somethings private and when you should invite others in. It's hard for the one becoming the individual, and also hard for the group, especially when you're the first in the family to feather your own nest. The parents and family have their own bad memories and rough edges, and are just as inexperienced at the whole situation as you are, and often don't do the right thing out of confusion or inexperience or just plain because they're stuck in their own baggage and can't get it out of the way in time to make your transition happy. Then when the next sibling grows up, perhaps they've worked this out of their way and can do and be all the things you wished for for the next one, and it simply looks like favortism vs. the reality of time and learning from mistakes from your transition. It's the curse of being the innovator black sheep independant cuss you are.
So what have I learned from this?
Blessings: We get to live together with no family complaints or drama. I know my family really has my back. I know my mom loves me and would do anything for me she can. I've realized that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am, even when I'm not playing the cynical jaded tough girl. I've been shown who really cares for us and deserves to be called family. We have a lot of things like pots and pans we wouldn't have had we not had a wedding. I was motivated to start a new chapter in our business I wouldn't have had the wedding gone as planned - it's the most successful and viable part of our business model.A lot has changed now that we're pretty sure that at least DH has Asperger's Syndrome. The misdiagnosis of ADD/ADHD, etc etc, never have explained a lot of the odd behavior/odd relationship to the world that he has. So a lot of the times I felt like he was totally oblivious to what's "normal", the huge need for unproductive alone time, the averted eye contact and strange fidgets/postures, the recently discovered need for me to ask very pointed and specific questions to get more than "yes or no" general answers, the odd way his mind stores memories and makes connections, the lack of ability to do simple math and time tasks even after lengthy reexplainations, the strange need for prolonged and progressive bodily contact before he can be happy with having sex (kind of like he's easing into feeling comfortable with a given activity), the major texture issues and how freaking long it takes him to get in a pool to "adjust" to temperatures - I could really keep going on and on and on and on.... but there's no need. Finally there's an explaination for why he's been doing these things that have looked to me like he was being distant or didn't like me, or just plain old odd/irresposnible (and I have a VERY low bar for "normal"), and that explaination doesn't involve that he hates me or anything like that.
Lessons: Not everyone has to be pleased all the time; chronicly displeased people who still don't think you're good enough even despite your best intentions are displeased because of themselves, not because of you, and should no longer be coddled or their grumpy opinions considered to be based in fact. If these people must remain in your life give them basic respect and no more consideration. You CAN pick your family, and your friends. You don't have to tell everyone everything. People love to be involved, and if you don't give them a set task, they'll make themselves involved. Also, since people like to be involved, feel free to ask for help. You are what you think you are, so think witty beautiful happy thoughts. One day can mean everything, but everything is not meant to be in one day. You may be envious of other's stories and paths, but instead of regretting the differences between your life and theirs, use it as an inspiration to bringing those aspects behind the regretted differences to your life. Regret takes time and possibility away from the present; instead of being consumed with negativity, put that effort into earning the reward you feel you missed instead. If someone is constantly failing your expectations, yet sincerely wants to get it right, it's better to give a step by step explicit instructions and be satisfied than it is to wait for them to get the right inspiration - some people like being told exactly what to get you for a gift/experience/etc, and most would prefer that to being wrong all the time. Taking herbal medicine to reduce stress is better than making your partner clean up the mess from the stress and give you endless backrubs - find your own way to functional bliss, even if it's chemically induced (not as a crutch, but as a healing way). Yes, assuming does make an ass out of you and me - people and their preferences change, so keep in contact and write no one off (or hold onto someone too tightly/kiss their butt too much with no reward). You are responsible for your own health and happiness... even if that requires chemical assistance. It's okay to just pick something for your own tastes if your partner expresses indifference - if they truly care about the outcome, they should speak up, and perhaps a few times of you just choosing can help them learn that skill (or they might honestly not care, in which case standing around trying to guess what they "really want" is just going to seriously piss them off about the whole situation). Sometimes people really do need a kick in the ass, and sometimes it's up to you to give it to them but more often you should just kick them out of your head instead. Streamline. Delegate, but delegate with extreme detail and focus. Life is a river, enjoy the scenery, paddle toward your hopes and dreams, but if you stop it up to try to get back to where you were, you just make a stagnant pool. It's 100% better to go ahead and make that call, get up and do whatever, than it is to sit around dreading it or over thinking it - you'll still have to do it, you'll be even more nervous, and chances are you'll be late or forget and cause even more drama than what would have happened if you just called in the first place.
The odd thing is that I fit the same profile, but in a much different way. The way I've always done odd things to calm myself, humming/saying things to myself (which a lot of people think I'm saying something mean under my breath but I'm not), the way I used to tiptoe around and flap my arms when upset, getting up and walking around to reset my mind when I get on something unhappy, the way I feel unhappy with eye contact/close touch from a lot of people. Even the way I feel always alone and on the outside, like I can't understand how people do the whole "living" thing. The childhood huge rages that still persist today though I hide it well. I still don't do transitions very well (see the above wedding stuff for a GREAT example). Even the clumsiness, even the way I don't know what's appropriate to say/do when people are grieving, etc. Perhaps we're both aspies... which could explain a whole lot. Learning more about Aspergers has given me a lot more insight into DH, and how to make our life together work for both of us. I really kinda wish he'd get formally diagnosed, so he could get some help with work coping strategies, and even be able to get accomodations should he have to get a job outside our business again. Maybe in the future.
For right now, I'm trying to just live. Don't know where it's taking me, don't know whether I should try to engineer it to make up for the bad wedding or if DH really does care for me like a husband should (though he tells me he does all the time). I really don't know. So for right now, I'm just purging the past and looking ahead. Smack me if I turn around. :)
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